Unconscious Deposit
| January 25th, 2009 by Robert | Word Count: 748 | Reading Time 3:02 | 2,634 views |
I was involved in a discussion about relationships that broke out at work a few days ago. The ideology of a “Love Bank” and making deposits came about while we talked about several themes from various flavors of relationship self help books. One of the main ideas is that people should focus on the things that make the others in their happy… to make a conscious effort to satisfy the wants of your spouse, friends, or family. A very simple example went as followed: Person A likes coffee so Person B, trying to make a “deposit,” makes a conscious effort to satisfy the coffee need of Person B and therefore earn a positive balance in their eyes. Sounds pretty good… basic common sense right? Person A has a want or need satisfied and Person B earns what in reality can be termed “brownie points.”
We can develop relationships by consciously looking out for the wants and needs of others we are involved with in our lives. If we focus some of our time and effort in satisfying these wants and needs, we can effectively earn our way into their good graces. Making deposits throughout the course of a relationship can build a nice balance over time just like earning interest on your money. Everything sounds pretty nice and good to this point. Everyone is happy in this situation right? Everyone in the relationship is getting something for their efforts.
Well, I have a completely different view about things… especially when the relationship involves your family, close friends, and your spouse. Initially, I saw this “Love Bank” as a quick fix scheme…. or a relationship “get rich scam.” While I’m sure there are people in relationships where this type of mentality can succeed, at least for the short term, it’s not the answer to building lasting and bonding relationships. Consciously deciding to fulfill the needs of others so that your “account” will grow in their eyes is a blatant form of manipulation.
It’s a simple do this for that mentality. My wife likes French fries so I think I’ll bring her a surprise this weekend… what she doesn’t know is that I am actually building my account up because I’m going to be making a withdrawal from that account by doing something she’s not too keen on me doing. The simple ideology of an account implies that withdrawals are going to be made. Why is that necessary? Are our relationships so superficial and weak that we need to put layers of fake attention on top so we can avoid the most dreaded word in relationships today? That word would be compromise.
Near the end of the discussion, I simply stated that 99.9% of the time, satisfying the needs of my wife occurs unconsciously. Sure, there are times when I plan on certain things to make my wife happy, that’s called being romantic. But, the rest of the time, satisfying her needs just happens. It happens because I live my life by putting her needs first, before mine, every time. It’s how I live… it’s who I am. She is the exact same with me, it just happens. Our relationship is built from putting others first. I want what makes her happy and she wants what makes me happy.
We talked about this on the way home (we are lucky and can talk about everything) and while our life does go through the natural ups and downs all human beings experience, our relationship has always been happy and very strong. Rare is the case where she is not first and foremost on my mind and vice versa. We simply have a relationship built to last because we live for each other. We do not live each day making an effort to deposit money into our Love Banks. Our banks are always full and they never see, or need, a withdrawal.
If conscious efforts are needed to satisfy the needs of the relationships in your life, I can guarantee you that you aren’t living your life by putting others first. Rather than look for a quick fix scheme to cover up the underlying relationship issue, maybe taking a long hard look at the relationship itself is needed. I know everyone doesn’t have a bond like I have with my wife, but I know everyone can have it. All it takes is a decision to live your life unselfishly. I can promise you, you’re life will be happier as a result.
on January 25th, 2009 at 10:25 pm:
I couldn’t agree more. I’ve been privy to many conversations of ladies talking about how they were going to do stuff for their husbands in order to get to do what they wanted without too much grief.. like a night out with the girls, or something they are wanting to buy, etc. What else can this be called but manipulation?
What’s so sad about it is how readily it’s accepted, no expected, to be happy in a relationship. I think if you were to tell these people that you don’t participate in such behavior, they wouldn’t believe you and would also try their best to convince you that your significant other was doing the same.
After all, when you know in your heart that this really is a form of deceit, you sure don’t want to be the only one doing it and feeling bad, do you?
on January 25th, 2009 at 10:34 pm:
I think that most of the problem resides in the lack of communication in relationships. Rather than enjoy a true understanding of each other and knowing what makes each person truly happy on the inside, people resort to “buying” their way into short term happiness by making deposit and withdrawals in their relationship.
It’s much easier to pay for a form of happiness than it is to earn a lasting bond. Yes, happiness is earned, it’s not free.
I feel sorry for everyone in the world that does not have that kind of connection that we have and enjoy. I wish they had the kind of inner happiness that you and I have.
on January 26th, 2009 at 1:06 am:
What an awesome relationship!!! I feel sorry for anyone who will maybe never experience a love like this. Consider you and your spouse blessed!!!
on January 26th, 2009 at 6:03 pm:
We definitely know we are blessed! And we are eternally grateful for the opportunity we have been given to be together!