Shooting Tools

Last week I ran across a story involving a man shooting his lawn mower because it wouldn’t start. Well that just doesn’t sound rational does it? I can tell you there have been times I’ve wanted to shoot an inanimate object because it wasn’t complying with what I needed it to do. However, I have never succumbed to following through with such a tirade. There are remnants of a weed eater living in some landfill at this point that would probably tell you he was close to being shot. Yes, he paid the price of death via my impersonation of an Olympic javelin launch. It’s surprising how many “parts” a weed eater can create when impacting the ground from about 40 feet in the sky. I’m pretty sure my current weed eater saw the rubble of his cousin as I put him together in the garage. He has been a perfectly compliant tool since he was “born.”

But, throwing a tool, hitting an object, or simply destroying it by your own hands is much different than firing a weapon at one. As the person in this story has learned, it’s not a great idea to place your tools at the mercy of your personal firing squad. Well, at least not in public. According to the report, this particular man proceeded to shoot his lawn mower because it wouldn’t start. He was arrested for felony possession of an illegal short barreled weapon and also armed disorderly conduct. His neighbor also alleges the man was intoxicated. A quote from the “criminal” goes as follows: “I can do that, it’s my lawn mower and my yard so I can shoot it if I want.” Theoretically that is true. However, you cannot do that in a public neighborhood while intoxicated with an illegal firearm.

What exactly is this man facing for his rage directed at his lawn mower? He is facing a potential $11,000 fine and 6+ years in prison if convicted. I can’t imagine him receiving the maximum sentence for this particular episode of crazed mania but who knows. Our legal system isn’t all that predictable. Think about this.  If he receives the maximum sentence, for a few hundred dollar mower, he could cost himself $11,000 in fines and the loss of 6 years of earnings. That’s a pretty hefty cost not to mention the prison time itself. He would have been served much better had he lit the mower on fire or beat it to death with a sledge hammer. The end result would be the same… a horrible lawn mower death at the hands of its owner.

Sure, what he did was wrong. First, he shouldn’t have an illegal firearm. That’s a no-no. Second, he shouldn’t have discharged a firearm in public (assuming he was within city limits). That’s also a no-no. And lastly, he shouldn’t have been doing any of this while drinking. He is in trouble for these issues and not the fact that he shot his own property. For the most part, if we own it, we can do whatever we want with it. The man, not thinking clearly, more than likely, due to alcohol went a bit too far in destroying his property and he will pay a price for that.

I’ve always been one to hit the tool that doesn’t comply. Or throw, or simply slam down on the floor (hopefully concrete so it creates as much damage as possible). Tools and other inanimate objects in a man’s life DESERVE to be punished at times. We are led to believe tools have no sense of being or cognitive capability. But, if you talk to any man who has used tools for any length of time, you will KNOW tools have only the worst intentions for owners. Don’t believe me? Have you ever listened to a man while he is working? That’s proof enough isn’t it? Among the things you’ll hear is a vocabulary never heard before littered with some of the most descriptive cuss words known to man. You’ll hear tools banged around, screams, and sometimes even laughter.

If you begin to hear laughter, be worried. This is the point of near breaking. One more insult from the tool and death could be rained down upon it in an instant. My weed eater is a testament to that fact. You may be thinking good natured laughter. No, not quite. I’m talking insane laughter or cackling. It’s quite similar to what you would think a nervous breakdown would be. In all reality, it is a minor breakdown. The tool has opened up the insanity lobe of a man’s brain by acting like a teenager hell-bent on arguing with his parents. Want me to start? Good luck. Want me to do something you need done right now? Nope. Not going to happen. Think I’m in the last place you put me? Not a chance.

Tools are alive I tell you. I have found that the nicer I treat my tools, the better they work. Even then though, they are very fickle. I don’t think a tool ever reaches a human age above maybe 7. They are controlled by instant gratification every second of their simple lives. If the owner doesn’t answer every single want or need, they will revolt and your garage and toolbox will become a mass of chaos and anarchy. Oh, did I mention that tools talk to each other? I’m not crazy, the tools are!

All kidding aside, tools are a great way to vent anger. They don’t hit back and most of the time, they are cheap to replace. Sometimes, they even go out in a blaze of glory (lighter fluid and a match will make that happen). But, don’t ever decide to go into your house, pull out an illegal firearm and proceed to shoot it in front of your neighbors while you are sucking down a six-pack. You are just asking for trouble such as the man in this story is in. The lesson is, if you’re going to place your tool in front of the firing squad, do it in a rural area, with a legal firearm, while not drinking. Have fun target practicing.

Citation: http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20080725/ap_on_fe_st/odd_mower_madness